Jonathan Renfield

This is my invitation.

An invitation to the slip between depravity, and the fading edge of imagination- where lies a truth that can only be expressed through the natural flow of voice.

As of late my fingers have become cracked, and raw voicing social ironies, or cliché acts of violence committed by those desperate to leave their scar on time.

And because I do not wish to be associated with retrograde philosophers spinning Gordian rebuttals to justify mental, or moral depreciation, here is a list for those who should consider hitting the back button:

· If You are Under Whatever Legal Age Suffices at the Time of This Reading, Hit the Back Button

· If You are Now, or Are at Any Time Easily Offended, Hit the Back Button

· If You are an Employer, Hit the Back Button

· If You are a Plagiarist, Hit the Back Button

· If You Enjoy Arguing Semantics, Hit the Back Button

· If You’re a “Grammar Nazi” With Nothing to Contribute to Online Conversation Besides Pointing Out a Slip of Punctuation, Sieg Heil the Back Button

· If You Hate Reading, How the Fuck Have You Managed This Far?

· If You Cage, or Abuse Animals, Hit the Back Button

· If You Don’t Agree Animals Deserve Rights, Hit the Back Button

· If You Cage or Abuse Women, or Children, or Don’t Agree They Deserve Rights, Hit the Back Button

· If You Despise Children, But Love Your Pet(s), Hit the Back Button

· If You Hold Animal Life Above Human Life, Hit the Back Button

· If You Believe, or Use the Phrase “Age is Just a Number”, Hit the Back Button

· If You Joined the NRA, or Purchased Guns to Bolster “Support for the Second Amendment” After a Mass Shooting, Hit the Back Button

· If You Support the Second Amendment While Opposing the First, Hit the Back Button (All You Are Going to Get Here Is a Shit Ton of First Amendment, You Incorrigible Twit)

· If You Identify the Political Right as Being Full of “Cunt(s)-Servin’-Tit(s)”, or Any Other Childish Moniker, Hit the Back Button (Likewise, If You Don’t, Hit the Back Button)

· If You Don’t Get It, Hit the Back Button

· If You Use Alanis Morissette’s Song, “Ironic” as a Cross-Reference for Irony, Hit the Back Button

· If You Have an Answer for Everything, Hit the Back Button

· If You Don’t Have Time, Hit the Back Button

· If You Believe Dogs, or Cats Are Better Than the Other, Hit the Back Button

· If You Don’t Like Being Told What to Do, Hit the Back Button

· If the Inscription on the Statue of Liberty is Intended for White-Christian Europeans, Hit the Back Button

· If You Hold Any Prejudicial, or All-Around Ass-Ignorant Views Towards Others Who Don’t Look, or Act Like Whatever You Are Accustomed to Associating With, Hit the Back Button

· If You Think Your Twitter-Opinion Matters, Hit the Back Button

· If You Believe Poor Kids Are Just as Smart as White Kids Expresses Whatever the Fuck You Meant, Hit the Back Button

· If You Use the Phrase, Dogs/Cats Are People Too, Hit the Back Button

· If You are Indecisive, Hit the Back Button

· If You Expect Reality to Bend to Your Convictions, Hit the Back Button

· If You Text and Drive, Hit the Back Button

· If You Drink/Drug and Drive, Hit the Back Button

· If You Grill, or Eat While Driving, Hit the Back Button

· If You Stare Too Long at Anything Other Than the Road While Driving, Hit the Back Button

· If You are Reading This While Driving, Pull the Fuck Over, And Then Hit the Back Button

· If the Word Squirrel Causes You Agitation, Hit the Back Button

· If You’ve Ever Voted for Trump, or Anyone/thing With His Diminutive Mentality and/or Behavior, Hit the Back Button

· If You Don’t Know What “Diminutive” Means, Hit the Back Button

· If Your Political Leader is a Dog, or Any Other Animal, Hit the Back Button

· If You Support an Age Limit (Must Be This Old to Run) for Office While Failing to Object to One’s Age After This Prime (Any Age After Legal Retirement), Hit the Back Button

· If You Lack Empathy, Hit the Back Button

· If You are a Pederast, Hit the Back Button

· If You Believe Animals Can Consent, Hit the Back Button

· If You Have Ever Raped, or Considered Raping to Pass Time, or Whatever Your Fancy, Hit the Back Button

· If You Think Snuff Films Should be Included in the Academy Awards, Hit the Back Button

· If You Write Porn Scripts, Hit the Back Button

· If Troll Social Media to Report as Many People as You Can in a Day, Hit the Back Button (By the Way, See What I Did There? If You Did See What I did There, Sieg Heil the Back Button)

· If You Found Yourself Hurrying to Reread That Sentence to See What I Did There, Hit the Back Button

· If You Identify as A “[Pet] Parent”, Hit the Back Button

· If You are a Troll, Hit the Back Button

· If You Starred in “Troll 2”, Hit the Back Button

· If You are: An Elf, Fairy, or Any Other Mythical Creature Which Shouldn’t Exist, Hit the Back Button

· If You Specialize as an Extra in Commercials, Hit the Back Button

· If You’re Waiting to See Where This Goes, Hit the Back Button

· If You Boast your Ignorance in What you Mistake to be Amusing Anecdotes, Hit the Back Button

· If You Water Your Lawn in a Desert, or Drought, Hit the Back Button

· If Religious Text (any version) is Your Education, Hit the Back Button

· If You’ve Ever Taken a Seat… Over There, Hit the Back Button

· If Your Cat, Dog, or 20-Something Roommate Urinates, or Defecates on the Carpet, Hit the Back Button

· If You Urinate, or Defecate on the Carpet, Hit the Back Button

· If You Often Confuse Mastication with Masturbation, Hit the Back Button

· If Foodporn Gets You Wet, Hit the Back Button

· If You Believe You Are as Popular as Your Favorite Algorithm Tells You You Are, Hit the Back Button

· If They are Out to Get You, Hit the Back Button

· If the Color Brown Keeps You Up at Night, Hit the Back Button

· If You Don’t Agree our Criminal Justice System is Grossly Antiquated, Hit the Back Button

· If You Introduce Your Parents as Your Roommates, Hit the Back Button

· If You Think “In God We Trust” is a Better Slogan to Plaster in Public Schools Versus “E Pluribus Unum”, Hit the Back Button

· If You Don’t Know What E Pluribus Unum Means, Hit the Back Button

· If You Think One Should Unequivocally Trust Some Invisible Entity Described as All Forgiving, Yet Vengeful, Hit the Back Button

· If You Make $15+/HR (or its Monetary Equivalent in Whatever Currency You Would Kill For) and Still Want a Tip, Hit the Back Button

· If You Think Higher Wages Alone Equals “Problem Solved”, Hit the Back Button

· If You Pollute More Than Your Tesla, Hit the Back Button

· If You are Any Asshole Who Identifies as a “World Leader”, Hit the Back Button Pork Chops

· If Your Vegan Shit Doesn’t Stink, Hit the Back Button

· If You are a Hippie, Hit the Back Button

· If You Think Cannabis is Not a Drug, Hit the Back Button

· If You’ve Never Consumed Cannabis in One Form or Another, Hit the Back Button

· If You Think Crystal Meth is a Medicine Because it Often Contains Ingredients Used in Medicines, Hit the Back Button

· If You Treat Cancer, AIDS, or Any Other Life-Threatening Illness with Prayer, Honey, and Essential Oils, Hit the Fucking Back Button

· If You Think NASA, ESA, or Any Other Space Agency is Concerned with Astrology, Hit the Back Button

· If You are Psychic, Why are You Still Reading This You Fucking Fraud?

· If You Paid Money to be Cryogenically Preserved, Hit the Back Button

· If Vaccinations Gave Your Child Autism, Hit the Back Button

· If You, or Anyone You Know Has Identified You as an Armchair [Fill in the Blank], Hit the Back Button

· If You Agree That There Were Indeed Many Fine People on Both Sides, Hit the Back Button

· If You Like What Disney Has Done With “Star Wars”, Hit the Back Button

· If You Think the Hobbit, or Any Other One Book Can be Split into Multiple Parts Without Causing Cinematic Fatigue, Hit the Back Button

· If You Have Ever Dated Someone Because They were British, Hit the Back Button You Twat

· If You Think English, or Spanish are People, Hit the Back Button

· If You are Preping to be Left Behind, Hit the Back Button

· If Missionaries are Harmless, Hit the Back Button

· If You’re Affiliate to Any Club (I’m Looking at You Mickey) Encouraging Adults to Be Dicks to Anyone Who Doesn’t Meet Their Quality, Shove the Back Button Up Your Ass, and then Sit

· If God Smiles on You for Refusing Service to Someone Because You Don’t Like Who They Fuck Consensually, Hit the Back Button You Khaki-Sweater Vanilla-Bean-Motherfucker

· If Merry Christmas Matters So Much to You, Hit the Back Button

· If You Drink Alcohol through a Straw in a Flask You Keep Stashed in Your Inner Jacket Pocket for Just Such an Occasion, Hit the Back Button

· If You Pay More Than $5 for a Cup of Coffee (or its Monetary Equivalent in Whatever Currency You’d Swallow Old-Man Jizz for), Hit the Back Button

· If You Don’t Know What Coffee Tastes Like Without Cream, Sugar, and Whichever Spice is in Season, Hit the Back Button

· If You Believe Technologically Advanced Beings Came to a Flat Earth Umpteen Years Ago to Draw Large Doodles in the Landscape, or Build Monuments to Their Divinity Out of Fucking Stone, Hit the Back Button

· If You Did Something Just Because They Did, Hit the Back Button

· If the Greatest Defense in Your Verbal Arsenal Begins With “What About…”, or Involves Easy to Recall Three Worded Incantations, Hit the Back Button You Fucking Hodors

· If A Good Conversation Regards Parroting Circuitous Rhetoric, Hit the Back Button

· If You Look for Any Reason During Conversation to Fluff Your Ego, Hit the Back Button

· If You are Sick of Reading This, Hit the Back Button

· If I Have Left You Out (Especially If You Noticed), Hit the Back Button

· If You are Still Reading This, Congratulations! Now Hit the Back Button

Otherwise, come one, come all! Grab your poison and scroll (or tap) the home button above, where we’ll drown in the pool of imagination, and sink deep into its well.