An Exercise in Literary Thought

This is my invitation.

An invitation to the slip between depravity, and the fading edge of youth- where lies a truth that can only be expressed through the natural flow of voice.

As of late my fingers have become cracked and bloodied voicing social ironies over cliché acts of violence committed by those desperate to leave their scar on time.

And because I do not wish to be associated with retrograde philosophers spinning Gordian rebuttals to justify their mental, or moral depreciation, here is a list of those who should consider hitting the “back button”:

·    If You are Under Eighteen, or Whatever Legal Age Suffices at the Time of This Reading, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are Now, or Are at Any Time, Easily Offended, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are an Employer, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are a Plagiarist, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Enjoy Arguing Semantics, Hit the Back Button

·    If You’re a “Grammar Nazi” With Nothing to Contribute to Online Conversation Besides Pointing Out a Slip of Punctuation, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Hate Reading, How the Fuck Have You Managed This Far?

·    If You Cage, or Abuse Animals, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Don’t Agree Animals Deserve Rights, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Cage or Abuse Women, or Children, or Don’t Agree They Deserve Rights, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Despise Children, But Love Your Pet(s), Hit the Back Button

·    If You Hold Animal Life Above Human Life, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Believe, or Use the Phrase “Age is Just a Number”, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Joined the NRA, or Purchased Guns to Bolster Support for the Second Amendment After a Mass Shooting, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Support the Second Amendment While Opposing the First, Hit the Back Button (All You Are Going to Get Here Is a Shit Ton of First Amendment, You Incorrigible Twit)

·    If You Identify the Political Left as “Libtards”, “Snowflakes”, or Any Other Childish Moniker, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Identify the Political Right as Being Full of “Cunts-Servin’-Tits”, or Any Other Childish Moniker, Hit the Back Button (Likewise, If You Don’t, Hit the Back Button)

·    If You Support STEM, vs. STEAM, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Don’t Get It, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Use Alanis Morissette’s Song, “Ironic” as a Cross-Reference for Irony, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Have an Answer for Everything, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Don’t Have Time, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Believe Dogs, or Cats Are Better Than the Other, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Don’t Like Being Told What to Do, Hit the Back Button

·    If Neutrality is Your Answer, Hit the Back Button

·    If the Inscription on the Statue of Liberty is Intended for White-Christian Europeans, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Hold Any Prejudicial, or All-Around Ass-Ignorant Views Towards Others Who Don’t Look, or Act Like Whatever You Are Accustomed to Associating With, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Think Your Twitter-Opinion Matters, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are a Member of the 1%, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Believe “Poor Kids Are Just as Smart as White Kids” Expresses Whatever the Fuck You Meant, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Use the Phrase, “Dogs/Cats Are People Too”, Hit the Back Button

·    If Your Parent’s Retirement Funds are Your Life Funds, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are Indecisive, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Expect the World to Bend to Your Sensitivities While Remaining Just as Rigid in Your Convictions as Those You Consider Lost to Reason, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are a “Multitasker”, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Text and Drive, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Drink/Drug and Drive, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Grill, or Eat While Driving, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Stare Too Long at Anything Other Than the Road While Driving, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are Reading This While Driving, Hit the Back Button

·    If the Word Squirrel Causes You Agitation, Hit the Back Button

·    If You’ve Ever Voted for Trump, or Anyone/thing With His Diminutive Mentality and/or Behavior, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Don’t Know What “Diminutive” Means, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Did Vote for Trump and Haven’t Learned Your Lesson, Hit the Back Button

·    If Your Political Leader is a Dog, or Any Other Animal, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Support an Age Limit (Must Be This Old to Run) for Office based on Maturation, and Optimal Health, While Failing to Object to One’s Age After This Prime (Any Age After Legal Retirement), Hit the Back Button

·    If You Lack Empathy, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are a Pederast, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Believe Animals Can Consent, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Have Ever Raped, or Considered Raping to Pass Time, or Whatever Your Fancy, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Think Snuff Films Should be Included in the Academy Awards, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Write Porn Scripts, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Post Pictures of Self Infliction on Social Media, or Become Upset When Others Report This Behavior, Hit the Back Button

·    If Troll Social Media to Report as Many People as You Can in a Day, Hit the Back Button (By the Way, See What I Did There? If You Did See What I did There, Hit the Back Button)

·    If You Found Yourself Hurrying to Reread That Sentence to See What I Did There, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Identify as A “[Pet] Parent”, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are a Troll, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Starred in “Troll 2”, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are: An Elf, Fairy, or Any Other Mythical Creature Which Shouldn’t Exist, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Specialize as an Extra in Commercials, Hit the Back Button

·    If You, or Anyone You Know, Killed the Lindbergh Baby, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Boast your Ignorance in What you Mistake to be Amusing Anecdotes, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are Only Prejudice/Racist in a Social Setting to Piss Others Off, and Stoke Conflict, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Water Your Lawn in a Desert, or Drought, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Believe Every Character Requires a Back Story to be Interesting, and/or Relatable, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Enjoy Writing “And/Or”, and/or Altogether Overusing “/”, Hit the Back Button

·    If You’ve Ever Contemplated “Oi”, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Just Found Yourself Contemplating “Oi”, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Only Go to College to Party, Hit the Back Button

·    If Your Cat, Dog, or 20-Something Roommate Urinates, or Defecates on the Carpet, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Urinate, or Defecate on the Carpet, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Don’t Know the Difference Between Masturbation, and Mastication, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Enjoy Plastering Social Media with Images of Food with Masticated Bits on Your Fork, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Believe You are as Popular as Social Media Tells You You Are, Hit the Back Button

·    If Your Greatest Achievements in Life Depends on Social Media Interaction, Hit the Back Button

·    If They are Out to Get You, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are a Member of ALEC, FGA, or Any Other Conservative Think Tank With Ambitions to Cut Social Programs for Those In Need, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Look for Any Excuse Not to Exercise, or Work, While Overexerting Yourself to Utilize Social Welfare Programs, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Think Mental Illness, or Homelessness are Issues Which Started Two Years Ago, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Believe Mentally Ill People are Just “Throwing Tantrums”, or Homeless People are Just “Lazy”, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are Threatened by Refugees, or Migrants, Hit the Back Button

·    If the Color “Brown” Keeps You Up at Night, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Don’t Agree the Criminal Justice System is Grossly Antiquated, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Have a Roommate (or Reference Your Parents as Such), Hit the Back Button

·    If You Own a MAGA Hat, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are Religious (Any Religious Affiliation Will Do), Hit the Back Button (It’s the 21st Century People, Personal Relations with Whatever You Choose to Recognize as Divine is One Thing, but Goddamn These “Begetting” Fairy-Tales Already!)

·    If You Rely on Others to Fight Your Battles, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Think the U.S. is a True Democracy, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Think “In God We Trust” is a Better Slogan to Plaster in Public Schools Versus “E Pluribus Unum”, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Don’t Know What E Pluribus Unum Means, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Think One Should Unequivocally Trust Some Invisible Entity Which is Described as Both, All Loving and Forgiveness, Yet Vengeful, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Make $15+/HR (or its Monetary Equivalent in Whatever Currency You Would Kill For) and Still Expect a Tip, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Think Higher Wages Alone Equals “Problem Solved”, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are Donald Trump, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Pollute More Than Your Prius, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are: Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-Un, That Turd Who Executed Jamal Khashoggi, or Any Other Asshole Who Identifies as a “World Leader”, Hit the Back Button Pork Chops

·    If Your Vegan Shit Doesn’t Stink, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are a Hippie, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Think Cannabis is Not a Drug, Hit the Back Button

·    If You’ve Never Consumed Cannabis in One Form or Another (On a Time Scale of Your Preference), Hit the Back Button

·    If You Think Crystal Meth is a Medicine Because it Often Contains Ingredients Used in Medicines, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are an Alcoholic, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Treat Cancer, AIDS, or Any Other Life-Threatening Illness with Prayer, Honey, and Essential Oils, Hit the Fucking Back Button

·    If You Think NASA, ESA, or Any Other Space Agency is Concerned with Astrology, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are Psychic, why are You Still Reading This You Fucking Fraud?

·    If You Believe Walt Disney’s Head is Frozen, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Paid Money to be Cryogenically Preserved, Hit the Back Button

·    If Vaccinations Gave Your Child Autism, Hit the Back Button

·    If You, or Anyone You Know Has Identified You as an Armchair [Fill in the Blank], Hit the Back Button

·    If You Capitalize Every Beginning Letter You are Grammatically Allowed, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Don’t Believe (Whichever) America Exists, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Support “America First”, While Excluding Mexico, or Other American Nations, and their Territories, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Agree That There Were Indeed, Many Fine People on Both Sides, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Like What Disney Has Done With “Star Wars”, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Think the Hobbit, or Any Other One Book Can be Split into Multiple Parts Without Causing Cinematic Fatigue, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are a Member of ANTIFA and Believe You Are Making a Difference, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Have Ever Dated Someone Because They were British, Hit the Back Button You Twat

·    If You Think English, or Spanish is a People, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are a Prepper, Hit the Back Button

·    If Missionaries are Harmless, Hit the Back Button

·    If You’re a Nazi, KKK, Scientologist, or Affiliate to Any Other Club (I’m Looking at You Mickey) Encouraging Adults to Be Dicks to Anyone Who Doesn’t Meet Their Quality, Hit the Back Button

·    If God Smiles on You for Refusing Service to Someone Because You Don’t Like Who They Fuck Consensually, Hit the Back Button You Khaki-Sweater Vanilla-Bean-Motherfucker

·    If “Merry Christmas” Matters So Much to You, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Drink Alcohol through a Straw in a Flask You Keep Stashed in Your Inner Jacket Pocket for “Just Such an Occasion”, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Pay More Than $2 for a Cup of Coffee (or its Monetary Equivalent in Whatever Currency You’d Swallow Old-Man Jizz for), Hit the Back Button

·    If You Don’t Know What Your Favorite Coffee Brand Tastes Like Without Cream, Sugar, and Whichever Spice is in Season, Hit the Back Button

·    If the Earth is Flat, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Believe Technologically Advanced Beings Came to Earth Umpteen Years Ago to Draw Large Doodles in the Landscape, or Build Monuments to Their Divinity Out of Fucking Stone, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Did Something Just Because They Did, Hit the Back Button

·    If the Greatest Defense in Your Verbal Arsenal Begins With “What About…”, or Involves Easy to Recall Three Worded Incantations, Hit the Back Button You Fucking Hodors

·    If You Believe Good Conversation Regards Parroting Circuitous Rhetoric, Hit the Back Button

·    If You Look for Any Reason During Conversation to Fluff Your Ego, Hit the Back Button

·    If You are Sick of Reading This, Hit the Back Button

·    If I Have Left You Out (Especially If You Noticed), Hit the Back Button

·    If You are Still Reading This, Congratulations! Now Hit the Back Button

Otherwise, come one, come all! Grab your poison and scroll over (or tap) the home button above, where we’ll drown in the pool of imagination, and sink deep into its well.

 

 

 

 

 

All works on this website (writings, images, etc.), and any other website(s)/publication(s) owned, and/or operated by Jonathan Renfield, are intellectual properties owned and maintained by the owner. To use these properties, it is therefore required one first obtain the rights to do so via said owner. If any properties are discovered in use without these measures, it is within the owner’s right to seek restitution, and all other resolutions from the offender(s) via judicial intervention.
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